WHY

This morning I woke up feeling very sad and instead of forcing myself onto more cheerful thoughts I allowed myself to cry a little bit. I think it's good at times, it cleanses both your soul and eyes. Tears don't come easy to me lately.

Anyway, when I got to work I thought I would use the Healing Cards to understand why was a really so sad. Of course I understand I'm about to violate the rules of copyrights, but I'm a firm believer of freedom for spreading knowledge, I would never use a copyright to my works and I''ve seen a couple of books which authors felt the same way. I understand that people want to get money for their effort, but just stop and think for a moment - how many people would really bother to type over all that. I don't feel that I'm commiting a crime by bringing to you a few pages of Chuck Spezzano's PhD book and two cards designed by Anna Szolc. In case you want to get the whole set look up AGM AGMüller, Switzerland (publisher).

So I asked why I had cried this morning and I got a "good" card. And yes, I guess I cried because I've longed for a commitment for so many years wihout getting into any.

51. Commitment

Commitment is giving ourselves fully to a person or situation. The power of Commitment is so strong that happy surprises occur and we leap forward to the next stage. This brings a new level of success and partnership. Commitment does not involve working hard so much as investing ourselves fully in whatever we do. This means giving our mind and heart to whatever we are committing to. Commitment is an antidote to valuelessness, which is the very thing that seems to prevent commitment. Our egos would have us believe that no one is worth continuous giving. Commitment heals this mistake. Our egos tell us that commitment is sacrifice and emotional slavery, but it is the opposite. Commitment is the antidote to these things, because where there is commitment, there is freedom and ease. If problem solving would get us over one mountain, commitment gets us over the whole mountain range. When we are commited, everything moves with us. If we commit to a relationship that is untrue, commitment will cause our partner to say goodbye, but with no bad feelings. This leaves us with confident expectations about our next partner.

Receiving This Card
If you receive this card, you are being asked to give yourself fully to the person or situation at hand. It is giving that leads to success. The extent to which you commit to someone is the extent to which they will commit to you. This applies to any situation. Commitment will bring you the next step with ease. Do not be fooled by counterfeit giving, such as sacrifice. You will know whether you are caught in countefeit giving by the results. Hard work and difficulty speak of sacrifice and withholding yourself. Commitment means giving yourself and withholding nothing. Commitment is for your benefit; you know yourself through your giving. Giving blesses you and gives you joy. It helps you, those around you, and the world in general. Commitment is the way to give yourself totally. In relationships, work, or life, it brings about a new stage.
This stage has more success and happiness, but soon enough the ego brings a new set of challenges. This calls for recommitment, which will move you forward to a new stage once more. Commitment allows you to receive in a big way, because each time you commit, you balance your masculine and feminine sides. Life is given to us as a gift. As you fully give yourself back to life, it reveals its beauty and mysteries, bringing meaning and joy.

Then I asked what do I have to do to find one and got this:

22. The Heartbreak Conspiracy

The Heartbreak Conspiracy comes from a heartbreak that is so bad that at first it is hard to catch your breath. We are schoked and devastated, and our heart breaks. We withdraw from life as a result of the loss. Our dreams have been shattered. We do not want to go on; we feel incapable. We are stunned by the turn of events and so we refuse to go on with life in the area we were heartbroken.
As a result, we experience every event of our lives in light of this heartbreak. It is as if a huge boulder has been placed in the stream of our lives, displacing everything. We do not recognize the hidden choices and purpose we had in creating this event. All awareness of those thought and that part of our mind are banished in the dark pain of the heartbreak. Maybe one of the payoffs for this heartbreak was to become independent; this is one of the core dynamics of childhood heartbreaks. Other hidden dynamics about our heartbreaks is that we may have felt bored or needy. We may have felt that we were going in different directions and wanted different things to the other person. We may even have had toughts of breaking up with our partner, but they did it first. Relationships last as long as you value them. This is not a reason to feel guilt (as the ego would suggest). It is a place to recognize what it was you wanted to gain, prove, or excuse yourself from. How were you using this as part of a fight, and as revenge against yourself, parents, significant other and God?

Receiving This Card
If you receive this card, you are refusing to go on in your life. You are secretly afraid, and this may affect you in several different ways. It might keep you weak, dependent, and needy; or you may stay independent and in control in order to compensate for the fear and heartbreak. You may go into sacrifice, playing a role to try to make yourself indispensable so that you cannot be rejected but unwittingly generating deadness trhough the role and lack of equality. Alternatively, you may even vacillate between all these behaviors. However, no matter how you are acting, you are using your heartbreak to stop yourself from going forward.

It is time to accept the past, the people who broke your heart, and the events of your life. If you do not, you will live a life of heartbreaks or revenge. This may take the form of withdrawal or control, but you will not be happy or succeed at relationships or life.

Using the witness part of your soul, go back to the root of the heartbreak and simply witness the event from this dispassionate, highly aware part of your mind. This will help you to move on. The witness within you allows you to see what you have hidden from yourself. It allows no excuses and effortlessly reveals your hidden fears.

Well, I guess, right again. I've done all that and it's so very hard for me to see things NOT in the light of a heartbreak because I have had more than one. It's a pattern and I can't get myself into believing in myself when it comes to relationships. All the "witness within you allows you to see" blah blah blah... what dose it even mean? It's just words dammet.

Oh I know I have to keep striving, I will. It's just so damn hard sometimes.