Dagni and Egon moved in on Monday but it only seems like 2-3 days ago. Nothing's happening. We all feel a little uncomfortable, especially the men. Also Fred's cat and Egon's cat won't get along at all. Probably a territory issue, power play or just different natures, who knows. It's annoying.
I don't blog much anymore as all of you (who?? LOL) can see. It's because I like to write mostly about myself and myself is not really interesting to anyone. It's funny as I started this life being heavily opinionated, loving all sorts of communication, eagerly giving out every kind of information etc. but really - I don't have much to say anymore. Time drags, nothing happens, it's hard to find any fresh idea, any thought that I haven't had before. Also I'm tired of thinking, it honestly doesn't get you anywhere. I just happened to think about last November and was amazed - it's like nothing had happened within last year, nothing at all, I'm all the same having the same problems, limits, fears, hopes.... Where's evolution gone?
Oh. Just a few days back I actually discovered something about myself LOL, kinda new. I must be a materialist. Funny thing. That's the last thing I would have assumed about myself. I'm not fond of materialists at all, and that's put it in a nice way, and now I just can't help but face it - I've become one too.
Bad thing is I seem to still fighting (life?) but without any faith in winning. How stupid is that? To believe in loss and keep fighting is like to burn yourself at the both ends... I don't know why I am like this. Didn't my parents have any spare optimism-gene to put in me?
I've read about so-called Creative Visualization lately. The more I read about it the sicker I get. It's not that I wouldn't believe it working. It's just another great example of how people try to figure out something - anything that would make life a little more bearable. All religions, all teachings are like that. The only one that has some reason to it is that one should eat right and get enough physical. Told ya - a materialist ;))
The book says many people would meet a question about deserving all that good stuff while starting Creative Visualization. It says we should work on it. For me it says like - you should keep trying to fool yourself, if you keep hard enough you might one day get there - be a fool. Do I want to be a happy fool? COULD I be a happy fool? Yes, I'd want to be, no, I don't think I can. Of course I can't say it for sure thinking of the coming senility. Who knows what I will be if I live long enough...
I do believe that we deserve everything we are or have at the moment. And I don't mean that we deserve all those shocks and smashes coming from outside, it's something we can't help. But the way we react is up to us, isn't it. I know it's nice to try and blame one's karma, the results of our previous life's actions, the gods' odd will etc. but I can't comfort myself with this shit either. I believe I'm just a poor cocktail made of my parents' poor genes, grandparents' poor genes and so on and on. It just happens so.
Hey! One positive change is that I don't think of my new apartment as a creepy, claustrophobic place anymore. I've calmed down a bit and see it just as it is - another place to live in. It's not home but neither was the one where I'm still living in at the moment. Home can only be a place where a man and a woman have created a home. I don't know why it has to be like that but it feels right to me. It may be your childhood home or you can keep feeling as home at a place where you used to live with someone from opposite sex with. But one person can't create a home, that's for sure.
Well. I don't know how to end this and I have no time to figure it out either. Wish me luck. In anything. Maybe I need to find a home.
