LETTER TO AN IMAGINARY FRIEND

My dear imaginary friend, hi

You can’t believe how glad I am to have you as my friend. I can tell you everything even from the bottom of my heart and you will never say any bad word about anything I might say. You’re just that tolerant, that kind to me.

Today was that big Pagan holiday here, Jaanipäev, the Jaan’s Day. Remember all those huge bonfires and the whitest nights of the year? People won’t get to bed until they really have to, until they can’t keep their eyes open. Riina invited me to her place (as always), my kids were going each to their own place. For some reason I really wanted to visit my mom this time and Riina said I should go there before evening and then go to her place later on and stay overnight as always. I thought it was a good plan. But for some reason I didn’t feel so good in the morning and by 1 pm I was so tired that I went to bed and thought the day would take care of itself. I woke up at 5pm or so and felt real bad. I won’t go into details enough to say that don’t feel that bad often. Luckily I was out of cigarettes, so I had to go to the store anyway. I even thought about quitting smoking LOL, that’s to illustrate how much I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted to die just that I shouldn’t feel the pain any longer but dying unfortunately isn’t that easy. LOL. I’m kidding. I’m glad it isn’t easy.

I watched some Scrubs on DVD and felt a little better quite soon. I texted Riina telling her I couldn’t come and I apologized. Then I called my mom. Then went to the store, bought stuff and went to mom’s place. She was so happy! She said she had thought about me all day long and I didn’t say I had done the same thing. I’m not comfortable with emotions. I’m OK with having them but I don’t want to talk about them. Unless I’m angry, then I can’t hold back.

I spent about 5 hours with her. At one point we even hold hands, for a breif 3 seconds. I thought I had turned old and cheesy, but it was nice anyway. Then we listened to my new MP3 player LOL. One earphone in my ear and the other in hers ;)) We kinda connected through the music. Of course, she being a retired music teacher and me being the „rebel“ child we were never before able to listen to the same thing feeling comfortable enough to admit we liked what we heard. Now it happened. For the first time I realized that my mom is just like me, only 81 years old. For the first time I wasn’t embarrassed by this. For the very first time whenI hugged her as I was leaving I really meant it.

The last bus had gone though, I had to walk home and it was a kind of long walk. I listened to my player and it cheered me up quite a bit and I wasn’t afraid to take a shortcut at the hippodrome and through the deep forest. I recalled reading from somewhere that only women who aren’t sure about their femininity get raped, so I thought I shouldn’t get that. I wasn’t even afraid of getting robbed or killed. Actually I was feeling so good that I considered being killed as a great opportunity. You know, sometimes you are just ready. With no fear, with no regret. I was happy though. It’s hard to describe. I just thought it would be easy to die while feeling like that...

Oh, by the way, when I passed by the hippodrome I saw a lonely bonfire in one pen and there was just one man standing by it, keeping eye on the fire. Also some biker had stopped at the fence and stared the fire as well. It looked awfully romantic! I had to stop and take some time to look at the fire, too. It was the only fire I saw this night but it was enough for me. It was beautiful how we stood there forming a triangle, all quiet, the 3 feet high bonfire in the center. Estonians don’t talk to strangers unless they really have to.

The whole journey took me less than an hour, I got home safe and sound and I was at peace with the World and myself. I had taken a step towards the right thing.

PS I'll add the song that touched my heart the most while I was walking through the forest. I have told you about my future soulmate that I'm about to find one day. This is for him.